On the road with Ewelina and Geeta.

So I've spent the past 2 weeks working. Feel sorry for me! 4* board and lodging all paid for - what a shitter!
I met Geeta and Ewelina from work at Chennai airport to begin a fortnight of temples, wildlife and beaches. We start off well; our first tour guide aims hard for the title of most annoyingly talkative man in India - no mean feet. For a tour of temples he seems strangely focused on Engineering Colleges and factories. My only amusement comes from the broken and rusting machinery surrounding the crumbling institutes where "the finest engineers are highly educated. The best in the world!" This pride in his country is nice at first but becomes painful in his insistence; "India was the first to master architecture and construction" - regardless of factual accuracy, look around! What went wrong?! "We invented irrigation" - not sure about this one either but again take a look around, each pipe is bunged up or broken and the waterways are full of plastic and human waste. Inventing is one thing, a little bit of maintenance wouldn't go astray. And; "This is the largest Bas-Relief in the world" - It's not I delight in telling him but as with other such remarks I am rebuffed simply by "And over here......"
The next guide is an improvement by more than a short yard, though possibly just as full of shit. We're in Pondicherry, an old French colony now divided into an Indian side and a French side. In India it's business as usual but cross the canal and Bonjour! The signs are in French, the people speak French, the menus have more sandwiches, the waiters have more attitude, there's less rubbish and what there is looks more expensive. Just stick a berray on that elephant and we are there!
Our guide tells us his story of his youthful love forbidden by his beloveds father. Of death-threats, local mafia and fleeing under cover of darkness only to be cast out by his own father also. A father who denied him even on his deathbed, willing the substantial family fortune to his squandering younger brother. Now, he tells a damn good story by my cynical side is mulling it over and thinking; you've been watching a Bollywood movie over breakfast. Regardless, he's kept us entertained and he gets his tip.

We carry on our tour to Tanjor and Madurai where we see more temples which despite labels of 6BC still seem to be under construction. An indistinguishable continuum of guides utter the same spiel about Shiva, Gnesha and the other 298 incarnations of this god or that. No wonder the building is taking so long if there's 300 worship breaks worked into the schedule!
Each guide also tries to shepherd us into "very reasonable Government Emporium, just looking". Despite a couple of initial purchases, the girls soon see that you can get the same thing on the street for a quarter of the price. Still, good places for clean toilets.
We head to Periyar Wildlife Sanctuary for Ewelina's birthday. Not too shabby a place for a celebration -4* hotel with cottage style rooms. Granted it lacked the dancing girls and tequila shots but it did at least have the all important embarrassment factor when all the staff and guests joined together for a rather tuneless rendition of Happy Birthday. At Periyar we also take an Elephant ride (do not sit at the back!), a boat safari )mainly photos of our disinterested faces as the wildlife seemed to be preoccupied elsewhere) and a traditional Kerali dance show. Here we were seated separately (from other tourists as well) at the front like VIPs. Geeta thought this was great. I soon felt otherwise as our positioning made it painfully obvious that I was stifling my laughter.
With Indian pride the narrator boastfully informs us that by using only their facial expressions and dance, the players will portray every emotion known to man and the epic story will unravel itself before our very eyes. Sadly, to me the story they are enacting is a complete mystery despite having the plot badly typed out on a piece of paper. The expressions though keep me smiling. The masterful range from panto axe murderer to inflatable friend with a scale of constipation bridging the two. Now this is Art.

Onwards to the backwaters. Cruising along the coastal lakes of South India in wooden canoes and palm thatched houseboats is just cool. Simple as that. At night you get the feeling that you're pioneering on some Empirical expedition. In the morning you see the other 200 houseboats doing the same thing and the illusion is slightly dented. But I don't care. It's still cool and I want to live on a boat.
So to the last hotel of our 2 week tour. Geeta has spent 3 days without stepping foot in a shop and is beginning to get the shakes so is quite happy to be hitting a tourist spot. Ewelina however would turn out not to be so happy. a broken foot can really take the shine off your day! Quite how she managed to fall over on the only flat road in India is a mystery?!? But Hallelujah for the medicinal powers if Ayurveda and the highly qualified doctor at the hotel; "is just a sprain and requires massage madam" - "AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" She nearly pulled off my fingers and screamed so hard I spent 5 minutes looking for the baby! But hey, at least it was the last day.
Saturday 13th we say goodbye. Geeta enjoyed herself, Ewelina's leaving in a wheelchair and I'm off to catch a train to Kochi.