Down the Mekong

With my dignity barely intact from my woeful wooing, Alex, Paul and myself head off on what promises to be a long journey into Laos.  It’s a journey in need of amusing distractions and this comes in the form of a tall and very vacant Swede who seems to get lost in each and every 7/11 we stop at.  Looking through the store’s glass fronting, it’s akin to watching a goldfish with altziemers.

After the lengthy bus journey we get a few hours sleep in a dorm and are woken early by a merry man by the name of Ting Tong (this translates as “crazy”).  This aptly named gentleman was apparently a top prize muai thai fighter until he took too many magic mushrooms.  It’s a pity the magic mushroom never caught on as a performance enhancer.  I would be much more interested in watching the olympics had it done so.

Crazy guides us to the border crossing which involves a small boat across the river followed by utter chaos.  The Laos border is basically 3 guys behind 2 windows being bombarded by a couple of hundred tourists.  Fun it is not.  Once the formalities are over we are set to get the 2 day slow boat down river.  Then comes the talk.  We are informed with theatrical standing of the perils of the voyage.  These range from theft to the rape of your women.  When no-one seems deterred he turns to death by drowning or violence, maybe both.  I am quite surprised that river serpents spewing forth balls of fire aren’t mentioned.  Of course the list of devastating perils can be avoided by taking the much safer and faster luxury coach for only 300 baht extra.  His not unimpressive performance is rewarded by a dozen or so people joining the coach and lining his pockets.  We thought decide to brave the danger, so armed with only our razor sharp instinct and a cool box full of rum we follow 2 hot Swedish chicks onto the boat.

It’s amazing how quickly you make friends with a make shift bar in tow.  By the time we hit the overnight stop we have grown from a trio to a staggering (literally off the boat and drunkenly up the hill) 13.  This motley crew now includes myself (chief rum consumer), Paul (chief rum pourer), Alex 1 (Melbourne mind meddler), Alex 2 (undercover ozzy), Chris & Sam (brothers at war), Big Chris (big), Hannah (bad taste in glasses), Abbie (“Seefru”), Alice (in wonderment), Laura (the only person aiming to see the cultural highlights of Laos) and Lisa & Jennifer (blondes 1&2).  I introduce them in their entirety as i will travel with some for the next 2 weeks and some for the next 2 months.

One part of the horror story told at the border does come true as the locals storm the boat in an effort to shuttle our bags away up the hill.  Most likely to demand a porter’s fee once you reclaim your property at the top of the hill but I’m sure 1 or 2 go walkies.  the guy that grabs my bag simply gets told to put it down.  Sam and Big Chris take a more direct approach; grabbing the top handle of each backpack as the would be porters attempt to jump ashore.  This effectively leaves them hanging mid air.  It’s like watching a couple of kids playing with helplessly upturned tortoises.

The next day continues as the first but with 2 boats worth of people now crammed onto 1 boat.  Given that this is our only option, we find our square foot on the floor and open the bar.  1 or 2 rums (6 hrs) later we arrive in Luang Prubang.