In the tubing Vang Vien (that’s what the t-shirt says).

Contrary to the title and the image of effortlessly drifting from one riverside bar to the next on a giant inflatable tube, I don’t think any of us actually touched a tube throughout our 5 days of ‘tubing’.  The closest we probably came to a floatation device was the tiny bit of trapped air in the bottle of whisky and red bull that we were trying to get across the river.

Tubing is not for the faint hearted.  It certainly shouldn’t be for the inebriated but if you find that you’re sober then chances are that you are somewhere else.  i’ll take you through the general procedure;

Bar 1.

Starting around 2 in the afternoon, this is the warm up bar, somewhere to sink a couple of beers and get started on your first bucket (cheap Laos whisky - smooth and melon!).  It’s also an opportunity to show your form on a not particularly small rope swing.  It’s not always the best idea say if you’ve recently dislocated your arm.  For this reason Chris vows the stay away from the circus skills.  That is until challenged by a girl of the not too bad in a bikini variety.  5 min later and we have a man in need of a lot more medicinal whisky.  This is also the setting for the now infamous double backflip.  Your regular backflips were becoming quite passe, Sam had been pulling them off for days.  However, he cracked under the pressure when a prize was at stake and lost out to another contender.  Now, not that Sam’s competitive but when a second prize was offered for a double backflip he was up quicker that a 13yr old boy whose found his dad’s viagra stash.  Everyone, Sam included, had said that a double was impossible, lunacy, a crime against the very laws of physics themselves!  Sam proved the impossible possible.  possible provided your willing to come out the other side with the space from your ribs to your ankle bruised to the shade of a bordello’s bedding.  Still, you’ve got to admire the amount of effort the guys willing to put into winning a £2.50 bucket of Laos whisky.

Bar 2.

After swimming/floating/fumbling/spluttering your way down stream, this is where most of the serious drinking is done.  It is also, once you’ve sent Chris on a charm offensive, most of the free drinking is done.  Buy 1 get 6 free is the kind of deal I can live with.  This is the place for zip lines (cut my foot on the bottom - Laos injury; tick), being force fed shots, very strange dancing, Jack sparrow in his pants and another Sam backflip - this time losing his camera in the process - not happy - more whisky!!  This is not the place for swimming back upstream to find Paul and the money (note to self).

Bar 3.

Provided you made it across the river, past the Korean Kayak tour and under the plummeting rope swing bodies, Bar 3 is for finding those that you’ve already managed to lose.  It’s where Chris attempts to match his sibling’s backflip exploits but soon resorts to his standard Spiderman repertoire.  For most of us it’s where we contemplate the long stretch of river that leads to the next bar.  It varies from deep and fast to shallow and very very bumpy.  The rocks that don’t leave you resembling Tyson’s training bag can most likely be found in the toilet bowl the next day.  It’s only after 2 days of unnecessary battering that we discover the footpath.

Bar 4.

The Mud Pit.  It’s a pit, it’s full of mud, you go in, you get muddy.  You also probably increase your chances of contracting a very nasty disease given the stench.  That’s about it.  Quickly to the next bar!!

Bar 5.

This is where most of us swap modern language for neanderthal grunting and watch bodies hurtle down a giant water slide whilst trying to keep count of how many resurface.  It’s the setting for drunken volleyball (painfull) and ping pong (Alice trying to play whilst eating again! When that girl hits 40 - Poof!).  Here’s where you’ll find us performing a lovely rendition of 500 miles at the top of our voices whilst gathering scars from a bonfire and where we meet Amy, a charming girl who proceeds to bite everyone whilst preaching the virtues of Chaucer - at least she’s unique, you’ve got to give her that!

Stage 6.

Getting home.  Despite evidence so far to the contrary it is possible to have too many people on a tuk tuk.  You know this has happened when the front wheel is 3ft from the ground.  It is also possible to not realise that you’ve lost the arse section to your shorts (why did no-one tell me?).  Finally, it is inadvisable to commence a tuk surf mid journey.

Once home you tot up the number of cameras, flops and sunglasses lost and compare this to the amount of dignity and self respect still intact.  No-one comes out on top.

After a mega burger (actually bigger than Alex’s head) it’s off to bucket bar for..well, buckets.  This cycle then basically continues for 5 days with the addition in my birthday of the 5 of us (Paul and Alex 1 have headed on at this point) painting ourselves up in tuxedos.  It seemed like a funny idea at the time but as you can see this is now the 2nd most homo-erotic photo I own (Paul still tops the list with Mr. February).  Other departures from the regular schedule that evening included; me getting lost in bamboo bushes (that stuff is tough!), Chris carrying me home (not to be the last time), and Chris trying to stop me destroying a bridge (I hated that bridge!).

We also discovered that Big Chris is not best suited to caving.