Luang Prubang - Bowling, Speedos and AK47’s.

We do get a bit of culture in during our 3 day stay in Luang Prubang.  A fairly impressive hill top temple plays host to golden buddhas and bejeweled serpents allowing us to get all arty farty with the cameras.  We also head out to the local waterfalls where we once again bump into Nigel.  Man, this hippy gets about!  He throughly recommends the falls, telling us they are in his top 5 - I have no idea how many falls he’s seen but top 5 sounds good.  Nigel was right, the falls are impressive.  A turquoise oasis of calm that Sam promptly shatters with a backwards somersault face plant, the first of many to come.  Sam’s inability to defy gravity however is not the most disturbing sight.....

SPEEDOS!

The mere mention of the word sends shivers down my spine and plants a taste of yesterday’s dinner in the back of my throat.  They are clearly as wrong as it can possibly get.  If your best mate wore them you’d disown him.  If it was your brother you’d claim adoption.  What is it with banana hammocks?!  Granted the Indians tend to wear their underpants to the beach but this can be tied to the fact that on a daily basis they earn just enough to pay for a slap in the face.  Where’s the excuse for those who can afford the extra fabric required to cover unsightly arse cheeks and ensure your chorizo is covered not cradled? Where’s the excuse for the tackle tucking phenomenon that seems to be a European tradition (I exclude Britain and cite this as a good reason why we have never fully embraced Europe.  Australia is also guilty of a national speedo obsession but as they are mostly of European descent and all off running iron man comps and wrestling sharks I think my point stands)??? It’s all by choice! Freedom has gone too far! There has to be a line!  Take note people of Europe; you are not life guards, you are not in the olympics, you have no need of streamlining and in the case of many a rotund german; it’s not going to help anyway.

You get the idea. I am no promoter of the pecker pouch.  There’s no need at the best of times but these guys at the waterfall take it to a new level.  Zebra print!? This is the almost attempt at camouflage I have ever witnessed.  For one, there are no zebra in Laos that I am aware of and two, only your crotch will disappear when you stand amongst the herd.  Disturbing for us but pity the poor zebra.  Also, you’re jungle themed janglies are hardly going to blend into the surrounding if your friend in the fluro pink budgie smuggler accompanies you. NO! NO! NO! It’s an offense! Against fashion, common sense, dignity, your circulation, humanity and my eyes! Arrgggh my eyes!!

Anyway, where was I? Luang Prubang. Well, this town is all about the bowling.  When the bars shut there doors and you’ve found a 6 seater tuk to load 20 people onto, you head to the bowling alley to carry on drinking.  Staffed by ex muai thai fighters and the occasional AK47, it’s not surprising that the majority are well behaved. Neither is it suprising that we’re not.  Alex 2 tries to break the sound barrier with each bowl whilst Big Chris attempts to make each ball skim the ceiling, succeeding in a strike nearly every time.  I adopt a cat who does a passable parrot impression as I bowl, Alice sees how many crisps will fit in her unusually capacious mouth and Hannah entertains with a game of wobbleface (I have photos but she would kill me).  Everyone else actually manages a reasonable game of bowling.

Also in LP; I have my beard trimmed by a ladyboy with shoulders that wouldn’t look out of place in an episode of Dynasty, a novel version of the drugs don’t work is performed on a roof top (Chris I believe has a recording) and I was given a cheese sandwich with chocolate spread in place of the requested garlic. It tasted weird but I ate it anyway.